“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
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my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.