@Young_Litigator

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

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@2tickytacky

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

@MarloMeekins

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

@JimmerThatisAll

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

@notviking

date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary

@RandomAntics

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

@GibJimson

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

@xtina_catherine

Men only want one thing and it’s to open both windows so we can get a cross-breeze going

@PharmerRPh

Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.

@pplwtching

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

@chill_brock

Me: I will not be awkward today.
Person: hey
Me: good, thanks