I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
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1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock
me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too
date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?
me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Men only want one thing and it’s to open both windows so we can get a cross-breeze going
Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: I will not be awkward today.
Me: good, thanks