I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

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I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.


1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby


If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.


date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary


I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.


Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.


Men only want one thing and it’s to open both windows so we can get a cross-breeze going


Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.


As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.


Me: I will not be awkward today.
Person: hey
Me: good, thanks