I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls