I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
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I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
How funny!
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*