I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
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selena gomez
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT