I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.