@sofarrsogud

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

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@NewDadNotes

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@TweetPotato314

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

@iGreenMonk

If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny.

If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

@kimtopher22

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@KKAlThani

Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”