“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”