@sofarrsogud

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

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@Rollinintheseat

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

@noog

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

@brennadine

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

@refreshingslurp

[public execution]

Townsperson: these are always so morbid

Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*

@JohnLyonTweets

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

@SamuelHLowe

– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?

@YoungNobler

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

@bornmiserable

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

@WildeThingy

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.