*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Townsperson: these are always so morbid
Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.