@Tmoney68
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
@sofarrsogud
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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@Tmoney68
@Juicedballs
cw: 4 is allergic to cats & we have a 9yr old cat at home. Sucks
me: Getting rid of it?
cw: Have to, why?
me: Is cats it’s only defect?
@CaptOblivious1
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
@hippieswordfish
[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
*rollerblades away*
@TheAlexNevil
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
@thevirtualidiot
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
@NewDadNotes
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
@cwhudson
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
@baronvonbike
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
@elunatyk
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.