I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”

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Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth


[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?


My date cancelled; said he had an emergency. I just saw him at the
market buying cereal and I thought,
‘I agree with his priorities.’


[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*


When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.


Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?


My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.


[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast


If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.


I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.