[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”
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Being gay isn’t a choice, it’s an involuntary thing that happens when J.K. Rowling decides it’s your time.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme
wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Cashier: “Going camping?”
Soul mates theory
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.