I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”

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-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet


-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.


Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.


Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there


A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours


dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?


I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.


Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.