@Terdoh

I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”

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@TheHyyyype

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

@dontforgetjames

Being gay isn’t a choice, it’s an involuntary thing that happens when J.K. Rowling decides it’s your time.

@lollyadefope

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

@EndhooS

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

@AndyAsAdjective

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

@Marlebean

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

@ArfMeasures

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

@Dawn_M_

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.