My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
You Might Also Like
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.