@causticbob

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

You Might Also Like

@ksujulie

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

@kidd_kong78

There is so much going on here.

The name, the crimes, the mugshot.

@TommyKarate

Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.

@shatterpants

I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.

@TheToddWilliams

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

@MatCro

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

@AlsBoy

Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either

@Parentpains

Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.