I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
The struggle is real.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Leaving the Barbers like
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.