@causticbob

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

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@krisv_723

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

@gojarbe

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

@drunk

vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you’re a supreme heavyweight and its not effecting you, & the next you’re chatting up a chair

@beefman138

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

@HorribleDancer

Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

@KentWGraham

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

@Cherbearxo

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

@MattOswaltVA

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

@MooseAllain

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.