I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

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I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.


[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]


vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you’re a supreme heavyweight and its not effecting you, & the next you’re chatting up a chair


“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.


Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.


My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.


Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.


I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners


I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.