I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

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Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.


There is so much going on here.

The name, the crimes, the mugshot.


Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.


I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.


I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.


“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.


Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either


Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.