I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
You Might Also Like
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
translated into Canadian
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?