I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.


Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.


{in the ER}
WIFE: My husband broke his leg
ME: From sex
W: He fell off a ladder
ME: During sex
W: While painting
ME: Painting sex


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out


I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.


Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.


You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.


ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a


“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”