I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.


5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.


How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”


A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.


Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you


My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.


My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.


My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.


Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.


You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel