@JimmerThatisAll

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

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@neerjagurnani

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

@Cage_unlocked

5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.

@LeonHWolf

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

@jackiembouvier

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

@Gupton68

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

@brianbowman73

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

@jackiembouvier

My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

@Chicken_Hawk38

Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

@SortaBad

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel