I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
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*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Just in case to be clear #gbbo