I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

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[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans


How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?


Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together


Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]


Although it may be true that I don’t have a lot of friends, I do however have a significant amount of strangers that don’t bother me.


whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i’ll hack into their security cameras real fast
[types “job openings” into google]


I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world’s economic issues single handedly at this ATM.


Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.


My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh