I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
You Might Also Like
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?