I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv