2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea
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Software Development ⛵️
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
How I’d get arrested…
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.