I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea

You Might Also Like


the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead


Churches: lmao corona isn’t real u idiots. u can’t even see it

Me: yeah but what abou-

Churches: that’s DIFFERENT


dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?


Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.


*sings Batman theme
*crawls along bars of death
*rolls down slope
*ascends tower
*knocks out foes

“Miss, you need to leave the playground.”


I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.


Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits


5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.




5: whoever talks first is the loser.


If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.


I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese