I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea

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2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.


The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.


Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.


Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.


ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit


Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.