@LOsepyan

I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea

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@bourgeoisalien

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

@crocodilethumbs

Churches: lmao corona isn’t real u idiots. u can’t even see it

Me: yeah but what abou-

Churches: that’s DIFFERENT

@climaxximus

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

@cheeky__gal

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

@AthenaMystique

*sings Batman theme
*crawls along bars of death
*rolls down slope
*ascends tower
*knocks out foes

“Miss, you need to leave the playground.”

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

@pleatedjeans

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

@iinkedZombie

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

@Tmoney68

If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.

@MatMarcotte12

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese