It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
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i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
gm
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.