I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
When you’re here for the treats.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids