I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.