I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
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Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
LMAO
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up