I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
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HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast