I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
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After reading about Rihanna’s thug life tattoo, I think we all owe Chris Brown an apology.
What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?
I’ll show myself out.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
me: i’d like help with my taxes
accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?
me: i’d say anxious
accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year
me: oh sorry, depressed
*Gets 500 word angry text from ex
*responds, you mad bro?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*