I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

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I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED


After reading about Rihanna’s thug life tattoo, I think we all owe Chris Brown an apology.


What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?


I’ll show myself out.


*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light


You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it


me: i’d like help with my taxes

accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?

me: i’d say anxious

accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year

me: oh sorry, depressed


Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.


Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.


Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*