I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
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“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.