I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
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ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
#ProTip
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits