I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
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When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.