I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
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Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time