Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You Might Also Like
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”