What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”
“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Keep holding it…
That moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you’ll eventually be abducted.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.