@RunOldMan

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

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@yonewt

Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.

@shutupmikeginn

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

@Brianhopecomedy

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

@NoorShamma

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

@lilgapeach32

Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!

@CulturedRuffian

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

@juneohara65

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

@Midgetspar

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”