I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

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What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon


I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective


me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?


“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”

“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”


Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…



That moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”


One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.


If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you’ll eventually be abducted.


Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.