I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.