I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me, flirting😏
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o