I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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(more comics:
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
🤣🤣
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin