I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Going into Monday like
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material