I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
