I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date