I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
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*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.