falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
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Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
let’s discuss
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
wishing you and yours all the best
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.