I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
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The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
secret recipe
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!