I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

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Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.


Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed?

What my wife said: If you want to

What I heard: If you want to live



HER: So you’re a really big dog lover?

ME: *leans in close* I love little ones too.


Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…


Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?


I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.


* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications


[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast