I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired