I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
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[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet