I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.