Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
You Might Also Like
*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*
My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Me: pistol; three letters
Me: disgust; three letters
Me: charity; four letters
Me: female sheep; three letters
Me: Pixar movie; two letters
When libraries troll their patrons.
Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car