@ashleycrem

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

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@omgthatspunny

Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂

@dumbbeezie

*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*

@Home_Halfway

My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.

@BoHorseManJack

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

@Burger_Time_

Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand

@Token_Geezer

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

@NewDadNotes

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

@GaryJanetti

Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.

@Danny_Dilford

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car