I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit