I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
You Might Also Like
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
smh
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.