I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
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I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Perfect
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer