[trying to be the cool dad]
me: what is up lit fam
15yo: dad, please stop
me: what are the goals of your squad
I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I’m guessing it controls motivation.
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
If you plug in a toaster and take it into the bathtub with you, it will get rid of your hiccups.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
The letter Q comes up waaaaay too early in the alphabet. We’re not ready for it where it’s currently placed. It bellongs with fellow avant-garde acts, X, Y and Z, deep in after the mainstream.
Watching police ticket people parked incorrectly that are in church right now and understanding that Jesus and karma have a sense of humor
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.