Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[eulogy]
line?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.