@Alex_N_Chains

I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I’m guessing it controls motivation.

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@TheMichaelRock

[trying to be the cool dad]

me: what is up lit fam

15yo: dad, please stop

me: what are the goals of your squad

@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

@WeissBrandon

If you plug in a toaster and take it into the bathtub with you, it will get rid of your hiccups.

@thepunningman

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

@Fred_Delicious

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

@crmotwo

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

@juliothesquare

The letter Q comes up waaaaay too early in the alphabet. We’re not ready for it where it’s currently placed. It bellongs with fellow avant-garde acts, X, Y and Z, deep in after the mainstream.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Watching police ticket people parked incorrectly that are in church right now and understanding that Jesus and karma have a sense of humor

@IamJackBoot

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

@BobTheSuit

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.