I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

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Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad

Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest


My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.



“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…


Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf


I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.


When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.


Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.


Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman


Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.


Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone!

Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don’t you have work to do?