I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
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Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Would you wear it?
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?