I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

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The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.



ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer


I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.


Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”


All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.


{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate


[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*