I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.