Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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Finally! 😈
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]