I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
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I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit