I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
You Might Also Like
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’