@OnlyFastEddie

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

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@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

@2tickytacky

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

@psybermonkey

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

@AKATriple

So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…

@dorsalstream

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

@Douchekevin

Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.

I was married for 6 years.

@MoistPork

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.