I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.