@SnarkyMommy78

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

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@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

@TheWeirdWorld

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I work from home.

You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!

Me: I also live at work.

@Cheeseboy22

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

@Molly_Kats

I’m doing my own taxes so I’ll probably be in jail this time next year.

@Sheila_Mac420

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.

@jonnysun

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

@envydatropic

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

@ericsshadow

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?