I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

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[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”


With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.


Me: I work from home.

You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!

Me: I also live at work.


Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.


I’m doing my own taxes so I’ll probably be in jail this time next year.


I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.


ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water


In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it


My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?