*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
There is a bug in my mail box. That’s his house now. He is the captain. I wonder where I will get my mail.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God
Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed