I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
🙄😏😂🤣
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER