@olerunkbitch

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

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@Contwixt

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

@pittdave13

Heard in Toy Story 5 the toys meet Andy’s Mom’s new toy.
Suddenly the song You’ve Got A Friend In Me has a whole new meaning…

@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

@TeamPHumor

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

@SergioValenCo

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

@spiritusloquens

My fortune cookie:

“Like a hair on a bar of soap, you’re likely harmless, but regarded as disgusting and nobody likes you…”