I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Any refunds available?…
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
based al yankovic
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Friday
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!