Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Breaking news:
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.